The Countdown of Defeat

When you have a formidable calling from God on your life you attract a formidable enemy who studies you and devises strategy that will be set against you in order to take you out. Last year I came face to face with this foe in ways I never could have imagined. Loss was it's name.

Loss and Death came in ways that threatened to shake me completely to my core and a break me beyond repair. 

2017 was a dumpster fire of a year and it's final quarter found me in the ring, 12th round and bloodied beyond recognition... Fighting with every bit of strength I had left, yet holding my own. As Loss geared up to deliver the final blow to me, I knew its ferocity would know no bounds. I glanced up to see that Death had joined Loss and as I saw its sinister smile spread across its monstrous face as I felt the punch land square and everything went black.

It had come as near as it could and delivered a devastation so powerful that every loss before it paled in comparison. It killed my 2 precious babies (Lily-Belle and Kingston) and nothing could have prepared me for it. Nothing. It was a death blow so annihilating that to this day the details of about 4 days surrounding the traumatic event are foggy at best. 

They finally had me. "She's out!" I could hear them shriek... "Finally!! This is the one that did it!!! She's down for the count!!" 

And the countdown began.

Ten..... All I could hear was deafening silence and the faint sound of a bell... You know the sound after an explosion when you are partially deaf and can hear, but only as if you are very far away from the devastation and the ringing of silence makes you feel crazy?

Nine..... The blackness was giving way to vision that was blurry and filled with despair. Nothing stopped the tears from coming and not even sleep relieved my swollen eyes. 

Eight..... "I am with you" is the only voice I recognized as I tried to muster the strength to stand back up. I was aware that many had gathered around me and I could feel the arms of love and concern embracing me but as the realization of how real this actually was set in, not even their nearness brought solace. "I am with you..." I heard again. 

Seven..... As I surmised the damage dealt to me, I recognized that I was most certainly in a valley. The Valley of the Shadow Of Death was a real place and though I could see the outline of those that were watching in horror and compassion, this was a journey I had to finish in solitude. "I am with you." They were the only words I could make out. In my solitude, those words were the only ones I could hear. Not even my own thoughts made sense.

Six..... My vision was returning. The darkness still hung very heavy around me but clearly my eyes could make out where I was. Still in the valley but in the distance I could make out a table and leaning against it a staff. The Shepherds staff. "I am with you." This time I responded to the words I heard. "I know You are good, but he won. The enemy won. They are gone. It's all gone... Everything. The deaths, the broken relationships, the betrayals, the failures... All of it, he got it all. The last thing remaining is my faith in Your goodness but if I'm honest the evidence is against You."

Five..... I garnered strength on some level and lifting myself from a fetal position I shook in weakness as I found my knees. Grace that had always sustained me began to envelop me in a supernatural way.

Four..... The darkness and stench of the Valley of the Shadow Of Death was overwhelming. I didn't belong here. Though my legs wouldn't quite hold me yet, I knew on my knees that I could at least crawl. Yes, I'd crawl toward the outline of the table... I'd pass a river on my way, still waters would refresh me. "I am with you." I heard the whisper and somehow knew that even though I had never felt so alone, I wasn't.

Three..... The water was deep, still and life giving. I leaned forward from my crawling position and submerged my bloodied face into it's coolness. I drank deeply and nourished my parched soul. Nothing had ever quite relieved me as this living water was. I suddenly remember a promise..."Jesus stood and cried out, saying, If anyone thirsts, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes into Me, as the Scripture said, out of his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water.” John recorded. 
"I am with you" rang out. What if it's really true? What if even in my darkest hour, He was indeed with me? As the water pulsed through my battered spirit, I began to rise. My legs strengthened beneath me. My faith did too.

Two..... No longer crawling but rather I was walking now. Courage and hope came from somewhere deep inside. It's as if my brokenness was giving way to a truth that came only from a strange knowing. A knowing that went beyond what my emotions were saying. A knowing that could only be established through history. I felt a smile slowly taking over my countenance and the thought occurred to me, "I've been building a history with the Shepherd for years now... I KNOW because He's made Himself known to me. I can trust this. I can KNOW that He is with me!!!"

One..... Now in a full blown sprint, I'm in pursuit. I'm running and the table is just in the distance. Light radiating from a source that seems incomprehensible begins to engulf the darkness. I'm running. Running like hell to get free from hell. I can see Him. He's there. The Shepherd is there and He's setting the final touches on the table. I notice a beautiful crystal decanter... The oil inside is almost a glowing gold. This is for me... He's prepared it for me!!! Now I hear another voice. It's angry and disbelieving "We should have killed her before now. We should have cut out the eyes of her spirit so she would have NEVER seen Him!!!"
Too late. They came too late. 

It's been a year ago today since that showdown. The memories, foggy as they may be, still feel very real and very painful. I miss those little angels every single day. Even though I am aware that many of the losses of that season were necessary and orchestrated by His hand for purposes and preparation that I didn't understand at the time... This particular bout with the enemy yielded an unjust cheap shot that he's going to have to pay for. There have been situations that have come since then where I was able to execute justice simply because Loss and Death owed restitution. They came in illegally, unwelcome and unjustly and robbed me. They have to pay... And I intend on demanding that swift restitution be made on my behalf over circumstances that seem impossible.

I learned that the good Shepherd never leaves. He is an ever present help in time of trouble and He takes every single thing that happened to me very personally. His sovereignty is astounding and I will forever herald the news that He is increasingly and certainly good in all of His ways. 

I'm quite sure that more valley experiences await me, each with their own lessons to be learned... But day by day, moment by moment I'm building a history that cannot be shaken and I'm more convinced than ever that He prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies and they will forever be forced to watch me eat from His hand with gladness.